Onion News Network: Today Now

Videos in this Playlist

1. 1

   

   Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.

   from The Onion

   3:14 | 14 views

   11 year old Thomas Demming visits Today NOW! with the magical friend he hid for weeks in his bedroom closet.

2. 2

   

   How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son

   from The Onion

   2:52 | 93 views

   Expert stops by Today NOW! to show parents of girly sons costume tips to survive Halloween without accentuating their child's obvious homosexuality.

3. 3

   

   Stalker Financial Expert Offers Recession Tips Just For Woman He Follows

   from The Onion

   2:03 | 30 views

   Dan Kellogg visits Today NOW! with money tips for one particular woman who forgot to close her bedroom drapes last night.

4. 4

   

   Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar

   from The Onion

   2:26 | 66 views

   8 year old Lucas Armitage has become a national hero after bravely defending his home by shooting a burglar multiple times in the chest and neck.

5. 5

   

   Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids

   from The Onion

   2:47 | 85 views

   'E-Mom' Gloria Bianco shows Jim and Tracy how geographical distance is no longer a roadblock to shamelessly interfering with the lives of your children.

6. 6

   

   Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips On How To Make Your Kids Less Attractive

   from The Onion

   2:15 | 83 views

   Child safety expert and ex-pedophile Terry Parker drops in on the morning show to share some insider tips from his years spent as a sex offender!

7. 7

   

   Human Rights Group Campaigns To End Use Of Child Politicians In Africa

   from The Onion

   2:38 | 53 views

   Jim and Tracy learn that in nations like Sierra Leone children as young as 12 are forced to smile, wave, and shake hands until they drop from exhaustion.

8. 8

   

   Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature

   from The Onion

   2:22 | 61 views

   Taco Bell boasts zero environmental impact with their new menu which will rely solely on synthetic, lab-produced ingredients.

9. 9

   

   Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg

   from The Onion

   2:28 | 126 views

   After gym doctors confirmed the injuries were career-ending, Johnson's trainers said there was no reason to keep her alive.

10. 10

    

    New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free

    from The Onion

    2:57 | 108 views

    Designed with the frustrated, sleep-deprived parent in mind, the BabySafe Ball can withstand shaking, stabbing, and claims you wish it'd never been born.